I lost everything good about me
when you said it was time to go
I waste all breath inside red blood cells
I bleed but I don’t feel
I stopped believing in midnight
Everyone thinks I mean what I say
when I only mean what is revealed
beneath the lines and pauses
I’m between two stones
I won’t read palms anymore

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks.

– Arthur Miller (The Crucible) 

east coast

we are separated by 695 days — time dictates fate
patience dictates the weight of calendars and clocks
can you wait? or are these hopes too heavy? 

casablanca lilies

you kept my dog-eared book
of stewart dybek stories,
though I gave it to you
it still feels like you stole it.

there are glasses in my room
to match how I feel so cluttered,
on dressers and on floorboards.
I cry so much I have to replenish
my tears with water from the tap.

I leave the glasses to evaporate. 
you dropped a letter and left for the coast,
it says you wish you promise you miss
me, I hang it in place of a dreamcatcher.

I pretend it’s not there, I pretend
you never slept beside me, held
my hand to your chest, I regret
starving another memory just as
easily you start anew, I wipe mine clean.

I am a casablanca lily at midnight, 
I open to you and the moon. 

hawk

eating away at my love
you’re saying goodbye
I’ll slice out all the pieces
you planted, if you won’t try

was it your choice to be
buried so deep, if it was
your choice to leave?

you act as though
I am a ghost you can’t see
ghosts are all around us
your heart has holes

I am surviving
weighing my options

between fight or flight
I choose to wait
to take your battle scars

you fly to avoid the crash
floating between clouds
you think you disappear
when the world below
becomes so small 

you’re a hawk, not a hummingbird
against a honeydew sky
I can’t keep you in my garden
you tear at my insides
I can’t breathe but I linger

when you’re ready, come down
the wind will follow and escape 

you won’t remember leaving
you won’t remember who it was
that watched the sun
rise in your eyes

you push push push

I promise there’s a part
still lurking that you forgot

you will fall
you are only
human 

I find it so interesting how as humans we fall so deep into our own hearts, that when the person eating away at our love says goodbye, the only way we can go on is to cut them out. It’s so painful; it truly is as though we are taking a knife to our own heart and slicing out the pieces where we planted them. Was it their choice to get buried so deep if it was their choice to leave?

I have been ignored as though I am a ghost you cannot see. It’s been this way for years, but I know it doesn’t go away. Ghosts are all around us, and your heart has holes.

I’m guilty of wounding myself this way too. It’s our survival tactic; fight or flight. Who will fight? 

I chose you
and I chose to let go

I’m free floating
in my tank of air

dreams come
I push until

I’m free again
I’m surviving

I disappear for you

You won, and don’t want it
everything you do is push

I turn into what I am not
cry all the tears I stored away

It’s what we could be
not what we are
holding me
you won’t hold me

here, at a stand-still

my insides crumble
I am a paper bird

listen